I recently went to Empellon, a seemingly cozy Mexican spot in the West Village. My friend Laura offered it up to the group as a place we should try. And try we did. We arrived and were told by the very bothered hostess our table would be ready soon. So, like any other starving diner, we bellied up to the bar and ordered a drink. 10 minutes later, our table was still not ready. We ended up in the worst place at the bar. I was in the middle and constantly had to duck servers with trays of food. Strike ONE. Finally, our super model by day, hostess by night, came over and said our table was ready. We were taken to the back of the restaurant. When I say back, I mean back. It was the "you aren't cool enough to be in the front room" section where folks like us sat. I think secretly we were all happy since we were away from the hoopla in the main dining room. At the end of the day, we were here to visit with each other and eat delicious food, or so I thought.
Our waitress came bouncing over and asked us if we wanted chips and guacamole. We said, sure, we would love that and also please being us the wine menu. We promptly got our guac and chips from a food runner that told us he was day #2 on the job. Our waitress finally came over with a wine menu. We asked her for a bottle of Barbera. After 15 mins of chatting and eating, we had no wine. Our waitress finally came over and told us that she was out of the barbera and what else would we like. We punted and ordered something similar. At this point, we were salivating for wine. Finally we got our wine. Note this was after a good 30 minute wait. Our bubbly, bouncing server came back and asked for our order. We decided to try the short rib sopas and then order three different kinds of tacos: spinach, steak, and lobster.
Our sopas were tiny. Smaller than a sand dollar. The short rib was average, not bad but certainly not fantastic. Two bites and they were done. And I think 3 were 15 bucks. Wayyyy too pricey. But this didn't outrage us like the lobster. 10 minutes or so later, the food runner on day #2 came over with all sorts of food. We were ready to dive-in but realized we didn't order scallops or pork. Where could our food be? It turned out the table next to us ordered all this lovely food. So we gave it up and waited for our tacos. 5 minutes later our server took our chips and guac. Why she took them we don't know as we still had chips and guac left. So off the chips and guac went with a frown from all of us. Less than 5 minutes later another server delivered our tacos. After switching tacos so we each had a taco, we started munching. Spinach was OK. Not great but OK. I felt like the tacos were half filled with stuff. Where was the rest of the filling? The real atrocity was the lobster. $42 bucks for 3 tacos. And the meat wasn't even lobster meat!!!! It was crayfish. STRIKE TWO. I can't believe these people at Empellon thought we wouldn't realize this!!! I did. Had I not been starving I would have sent this back but we were hungry and we didn't realize the imposter meat until after. The taste of the lobster a.k.a crayfish was so so. Slightly fishy and drowned in tons of butter. Our last taco was steak. They always say you leave the best for last and we indeed did this with our steak tacos. They were filled with the right amount and had the nicest marinade. Absolutely lovely. But again, who can really screw up steak tacos?! After we finished, our re-fried beans and crema appeared from the day #2 food runner. He tried to give us the food and then take it away. It was the strangest exchange as he couldn't understand what was going on with our table. STRIKE THREE. The final blow came when we got the bill and we realized we spent $42 bucks on crayfish. Because of all the waiting and insanity, we called the manager over and complained. He took our bill and knocked our wine off the menu. This was a nice gesture but was made miserable by our no longer bouncy waitress. She was PISSED. She handed us our bill and said not one word. We paid and left her 18%. We could have left less but decided it wasn't exactly her fault. So we paid and got up to leave. As we walked out, the front room filled with cool people was like a lounge with people draped all over the chairs. Nobody was there to eat. People were there to be seen and look like they were eating. And this pretty much sums up Empellon. Go there if you want to be seen, but don't go for the food. It stinks!
Our waitress came bouncing over and asked us if we wanted chips and guacamole. We said, sure, we would love that and also please being us the wine menu. We promptly got our guac and chips from a food runner that told us he was day #2 on the job. Our waitress finally came over with a wine menu. We asked her for a bottle of Barbera. After 15 mins of chatting and eating, we had no wine. Our waitress finally came over and told us that she was out of the barbera and what else would we like. We punted and ordered something similar. At this point, we were salivating for wine. Finally we got our wine. Note this was after a good 30 minute wait. Our bubbly, bouncing server came back and asked for our order. We decided to try the short rib sopas and then order three different kinds of tacos: spinach, steak, and lobster.
Our sopas were tiny. Smaller than a sand dollar. The short rib was average, not bad but certainly not fantastic. Two bites and they were done. And I think 3 were 15 bucks. Wayyyy too pricey. But this didn't outrage us like the lobster. 10 minutes or so later, the food runner on day #2 came over with all sorts of food. We were ready to dive-in but realized we didn't order scallops or pork. Where could our food be? It turned out the table next to us ordered all this lovely food. So we gave it up and waited for our tacos. 5 minutes later our server took our chips and guac. Why she took them we don't know as we still had chips and guac left. So off the chips and guac went with a frown from all of us. Less than 5 minutes later another server delivered our tacos. After switching tacos so we each had a taco, we started munching. Spinach was OK. Not great but OK. I felt like the tacos were half filled with stuff. Where was the rest of the filling? The real atrocity was the lobster. $42 bucks for 3 tacos. And the meat wasn't even lobster meat!!!! It was crayfish. STRIKE TWO. I can't believe these people at Empellon thought we wouldn't realize this!!! I did. Had I not been starving I would have sent this back but we were hungry and we didn't realize the imposter meat until after. The taste of the lobster a.k.a crayfish was so so. Slightly fishy and drowned in tons of butter. Our last taco was steak. They always say you leave the best for last and we indeed did this with our steak tacos. They were filled with the right amount and had the nicest marinade. Absolutely lovely. But again, who can really screw up steak tacos?! After we finished, our re-fried beans and crema appeared from the day #2 food runner. He tried to give us the food and then take it away. It was the strangest exchange as he couldn't understand what was going on with our table. STRIKE THREE. The final blow came when we got the bill and we realized we spent $42 bucks on crayfish. Because of all the waiting and insanity, we called the manager over and complained. He took our bill and knocked our wine off the menu. This was a nice gesture but was made miserable by our no longer bouncy waitress. She was PISSED. She handed us our bill and said not one word. We paid and left her 18%. We could have left less but decided it wasn't exactly her fault. So we paid and got up to leave. As we walked out, the front room filled with cool people was like a lounge with people draped all over the chairs. Nobody was there to eat. People were there to be seen and look like they were eating. And this pretty much sums up Empellon. Go there if you want to be seen, but don't go for the food. It stinks!
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